Trenchcoat Mafia ate Doritos, say sources
The now-famous Trenchcoat Mafia clique ate Doritos, according to key lunchroom witnesses. "Every day they'd take a bag of cool ranch or cheddar doritos", said lunchlady Beatrice Fripple. "I didn't think anything about it at the time, but now I start to wonder... could have the Doritos have been the cause of this tragedy?"
Child psychologist and snackfood enthusiast Richard Smith commented on the Dorito-obsession of the troubled Colorado teens: "Those maddeningly addictive orange triangular corn snacks are enough to make anybody kill. I'm only surprised that it hasn't happened sooner."
Parent-teacher organizations across the country are demanding that Doritos be taken off the shelves in supermarkets and delicatessens everywhere. Meanwhile, the Colorado public school system has removed Doritos from vending machines and cafeteria lunch lines. The parents of students who are known to eat Doritos are being notified by school officials. But this is not enough for some anti-Dorito activists.
"Are we going to sit by and watch while our children are turned into murderers by delicious cheese-flavored snack foods?", screamed paranoid mother Patricia Garlam at a PTA meeting in Boise, Idaho. Garlam then demanded that a range of snack food from Cheetos to Chedder flavored ruffles be taken off the market. Garlam denied allegations that she had a bag of O'Boises and a Subway club sandwich for lunch.
Doritos are only the latest of items which are blamed for turning the Trenchcoat Mafia's members into murderous sociopaths. Other alleged influences include the computer game DOOM, the Internet, trenchcoats, the german language, and Hanes brand underwear. No blame has yet been laid on a violence-centered and pro-militaristic news media or parents that didn't bother to raise their children.
The Tragic Colorado School Shooting, and its Effect on Our Future
We all have heard of the tragic school shooting in Colorado that left 15 people dead, and many others injured. It was tragic, and things like this just shouldn't happen. The media however, does not do this saddening story justice. Every news program takes a few aspects of the shooting way out of proportion, and leaves the most important details barely covered. They aretrying to make it seem like all "freaks" and people in trenchcoats are potential threats to those around them, and this is very much so not true.The people who committed the shooting, although somewhat gothic, are known to have been Hitler followers as well, and that influenced the shooting MORETHAN ANYTHING ELSE. They were Hitler followers, they killed "colored"students, and the shooting was committed on Adolph Hitler's birthday! Whatmore information do people need? But the media does not give a damn about the Hitler follower thing! The media ignores the Hitler follower/worshipper information almost entirely, they say this under their breaths, in passing, or not at all, but they ALWAYS emphasize that the shooters were wearing BLACK TRENCHCOATS. OH MY FREAKING GOD, NOT BLACK TRENCHCOATS! You think anybody wearing a trenchcoat is going to kill ye now? Fine, be paranoid,but you're also being stupid. Want to hear why the killers were wearing trenchcoats? BECAUSE YOU CAN HIDE SHOTGUNS IN THE POCKETS!!!!! That's the main reason, but oh no, now everyone thinks that wearing a trenchcoat meansyou're going to go postal. Trenchcoats have been banned in Denver.Somebody I know who was wearing a black jacket which WASN'T a trenchcoat got frisked at school THREE times yesterday. 2 friends of one of my online friends got sent down to the school office for this reason: They like Marilyn Manson music. That's the only reason. THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS, and it shall be going on for a long time coming. We'll all just have to grit ourteeth, listen to people call us the "trenchcoat maffia" although we've never, and will never kill a person in our lives, and sit through this boutof human stupidity... like we put up with every other bit of idiocy.
Dan H. G., 15, 4/24/99You are visitor number
All Writings, Photos, and Sounds � COWW, 1999
